~breakthatfall

edit::

Therapy today. Told my mom. She... I don't know how well she took it. Pretty well I guess, she didn't really respond though. She just said that she needed time to think about it. I am not sure if I made a mistake or not. I feel better though. I think.

The next obstacle is my father, which is going to be veryveryveryvery hard. He's going to kill me.


---
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhh. agh.

I am going to lose my mind.

My therapist wants me to come out I said "maybe next week" my next appointment is this tuesday which is TOMORROW freaking out freaking out freaking out what if they hate me what if my mom tells my dad and then he gets all upset again and calls me stupid what if they don't believe me what if they disown me whatifwhatifwhatifwhatif--

someone shoot me. i can't do this. i can't do this at all. i'm too much of a coward. i've lived my whole life as a lie but what if this "real me" isn't someone the rents would... like?

i am driving myself crazy. alglsdkfjghlkdfhgf.

i wish i could just skip all this crap and just have been born correctly.

I even made a list of reasons why i should come out which was very long i should read it again though at this point i don't think it will help much anymore.

oh god i feel like i'm having a heart attack i'm so worked up my manhood is threatened i'm even shaking i'm so nervous holy shit i'm making myself feel sick and i've had at least twenty anxiety attacks today so far and--




hahahahahahha i am talking drivel. someone slap me in the face before i completely go mad.

I am sick of listening to the same stuff over and over currently. I like a wide variety of stuff, but I really love prog rock.

some stuff I like:

The Mars Volta
Muse
Tool
Radiohead
Jeff Buckley
A Perfect Circle
The GazettE
My Chemical Romance
Lovedrug
Opeth
Rage Against The Machine
Porcupine Tree
Nine Inch Nails

etc.



Anyone know any bands that are kind of similar or you think I'd like? I'm open to listen to anything really. I just want something new, something completely different from anything I've ever heard before, something... I don't know.

Go make me a sammich.

that is all.